I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Randomize
