Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
