he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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