i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
