I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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