the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
