What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
