my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
