the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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