Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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