my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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