I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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