I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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