Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
