i was born a porn star she said
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Boobs are out for the taking
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
