Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize