Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
