we were pretty classy up until the second keg
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
