More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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