Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
