I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
