I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
