Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
