I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize