that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
