the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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