I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
