My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize