It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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