I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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