Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
