I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
