Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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