Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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