youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
