i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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