cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
