The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize