I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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