My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Shame - the story of my life.
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