I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
