Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize