i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
