dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
