you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
