I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize