I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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