dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
