I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is it penis luge time yet?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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