I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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