my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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