I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
