his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
as a side note pls kill me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
