This house was built for laser tag.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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