He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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