My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
