the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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