her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
