i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
