The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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