we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
