i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
