Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize