It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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