If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize