omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
