That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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